Nostalgia

Scene: Today’s bible class and Roy's Dad has just picked a new song.

Situation: I, not knowing the song, mumble along but hear Ma singing. She sounds old now with her voice cracking a little...Ammachi (grandmother in Malayalam)....ha-ha...not funny actually, I’d hate to see my ma so old. I want her to remain the way she is now, forever(well, maybe excluding the jelly belly and stray grey hair and wrinkles. For her own good).

(Mom and dad listening to Usha Uthup now...that woman is something else!

Confidence and happiness and magnanimity just leak from her...and somehow she reminds me of Sister Ann!)

Scene: Jo on a visit and walks into the meeting with that gangly grin of his.

Situation: Gets me thinking about times past...SSC exams...all those laughs...my innocence. Not understanding all dose undercurrents and double meanings behind people’s words (yep...me a late bloomer!).

Scene: Rachel and Elizabeth playing.

I love the innocence of these children(they're three and seven years old respectively). They’re just so...pure. So perfect. So pristine...in their hearts (and bodily as well. they have the best potential to developing the perfect model-bodies ever. Fair skinned. Toned. Clear, without a mark. I envy them), the way everything is written and can be seen on their faces.

The crystal clearness of things to them...either Black or White. Good or Bad. No Grey areas. No subtle layers and hints to their words. No trying to guess what the other person is thinking. No keeping grudges. No sleeping unhappy.

I think the world would only be a better place if adults had the nature of babes (that’s babies, NOT girls!).

That’s why Innocence is so sought after. No donkey-like Dumbness, I mean Innocence...the state of mind where you look into a pile of filth and only see the goodness shining through.

Stuff I miss about my childhood:

1.    The Innocence:

The bliss of ignorance...of not knowing the things I know today...the negativity and all the evil.

2.    Daddy’s Girl:

This was fun! I was dada’s favourite girl, I combed my hair like dada, took bath like dada, liked what dada liked and rebelled against anything that dada didn't like (sometimes that meant mama). Now that place is for my brother. Before it was so hard relinquishing that title...I hated it.

Slowly, it has fallen into place...the ‘Eldest Daughter’ instead of ‘Successor’. I still do miss it at times but I think I have been compensated for it by the new-found relationship with mummy.

3.    That feeling of ‘My parents, The Best’:

Don’t know if ma and dad feel it too, but my parents (especially dad) were my heroes before (sometimes still are). Always right, Never wrong. For most people, this knowledge erodes over time like mountains, one chip at a time. First, you feel they’re wrong at little things and then that they know nothing but then again think they know something and finally (when you have kids of your own, you salute them for what they did!)

4.    The Lack of Self-Consciousness:

I miss this. A lot. I'm one of those girls who hate the little fixations that come with being a girl: Learning to be modest, keeping my legs crossed, adjusting a dupatta, staying sweat-free and toned...all that.

But before, I just wasn't aware of all this but then, at the magical age of 12,my ma had this sudden idea that I should behave like a girl...wash my own underwear, check all the sweat stains, it was difficult. I'm shameless maybe,  saying all this, But until then, I had never given a thought to these things and so had a hard time adjusting; Learning to preen, pout and pirouette (not really, the words just sounded so good together and the first two things, I haven’t learnt yet and don’t think I ever will!)

Before, it was just bindass...look at those small girls happily drawing away on the floor with their drawers showing! Do they care? Not a bit! (Maybe the zealous mother does!)

5.    The Lack of Greed:

I can’t remember any time before the age of 12 that I asked my parents for clothes or gadgets or pianos...anything I ask for now...the highest amount I hoped to get was Rs. 20...you got a packet of Lays™ for that...Heaven!

There never were any arguments about money then...sigh.

What I craved for most was books, to be read, to be written in, anything and stationery...ahh. I was a total hog freak...it has stayed but now its digital stuff (books, movies, music!).

6.    The Clearness and Honesty:

I miss the clarity of relationships outside my family too, the friends. The foes. The guys. The girls.

We, in the society wouldn't have to be worried about the groups of ‘-ists’ movements prevalent today, all born out of feelings of inadequacy and misunderstanding in people’s hearts, if we all had children’s hearts. Children just don’t feel that way...when looking at a boy, children don’t see a potential bf, groom, or whatever, and so avoiding all the flirting, and hinting and pouting and falseness...I miss that. Terribly.

Now, I'm afraid to open my mouth for fear of saying something wrong (still doesn't stop me) and the fear not being accepted....trying to change myself so that I can fit into the brackets made for me by society; I do my hair, painfully exercise (that’s for my own good as well, I know), try to look pretty, put on stupid airs, not talk to someone because someone didn't talk to me...do all the stupid things I have to do.

Comparatively, the souls in The Host(Stephenie Meyer's other-than-Twilight novel) had this super policy: Live and let Live (that they did this by being parasites and stealing human bodies is another matter), but still, I can’t help being fascinated by the goodness of it all...no fights, just trust.

Lobbying for a Utopian world isn't going to change anything I know, but just shouting it out feels good!

Bye then.

P.S. You might have noticed that my entries these days are of a more personal nature. You might not like it and I apologize if you don’t but if you do, thank you!

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