Tuesday, 31 December 2013

What 2013 Taught Me

So I've been AWOL for a while. And while haven't been doing any actual blogging, I have definitely been talking about it...'tis one of the only impressive-sounding things in a  thoroughly-average, lazy bookworm's life. Makes people think you're into web-design and things when in fact, your Diploma in Engineering is worth exactly puddlenuts.  

Anyway, 2013 has been a fun ride and this is what I've learnt!

Trying to learn integration and differentiation in one night is bad idea. Might as well not bother studying at all.

A blog is probably one of the only things you can boast about, that won't embarrass you. Until someone actually reads it.

Don't begin watching The Big Bang Theory unless you intend to finish the series. And the bloopers, and the filming episodes and the Comic-Con panels. That said, everyone should watch it. Give up your Christmas break. You won't be sorry. This.

SpongeBob I can't wait!
Yep.Arms and all.

If you live in India and speak English you should join Teach India. People who actually want your advice about their English, free food during training at a fancy hotel, and a British Council certificate.
What more does a pernickety convent-school grammar-granny want?!

Using ghee when one runs out of butter to make chocolate is a bad idea. Unless you don't mind chocolate-flavoured mysore pak. Blech. And I still ate it.

Chocolate cake mountain.Who wouldn't?!
That's what I felt like. Till I remembered that I made it myself.

Don't ever step out of the house with friends thinking it's only till the shop downstairs to say bye. It never is. Always dress like people are watching you. That's how one ends up at the railway station in a brown nightdress and fishbone-flipflops with a deranged grin on one's face.
Also, Don't wear (unintentionally) torn-jeans thinking no one will notice. They do.

Google Keep is a bad idea. So is Google+. The first because you will probably end up losing all those hard-to-come-by smart-aleck replies you think of after arguments and the second because all your imaginary stalkers need only type in your name in Google to see your grinning face. That said, all hail Mother Google.
Seriously, do not use Google Keep. Not unless you want to end up like this:

No cat
Thus proved. Cats are always cute. Unlike human beings like yours truly.

YouTube is fun. A lot of fun.


Stuff I'm looking forward to:

Buzzfeed India

Posting on a schedule is going to get difficult(*snort snort*)so I'm thinking of joining Twitter, The Twitteress anyone?!
140-character prospects! 

I've decided a twice-a-month schedule and thinking of joining IndiBlogger...I could use some peer-pressure.
And maybe a blog-makeover. The possibilities are endless!

Wake up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy!

And I hope you have a fantastic New Year!

Sunday, 19 May 2013

The Girl With No Fingerprints

Beginning a long due blog-post with an apology is so clichéd now, I might as well tell you why it is easier to excuse oneself from one's writer-ly obligations and read sappy romance novels occasionally stopping to make more lassi because IT IS TOO HOT for anything else…and because learning Spanish from Spanish for Dummies, as I found out, is only for those dummies who have also read Memorizing for Dummies.

That's me during the vacations. Minus the ice.

And learning to play Happy Birthday with a studio-grade piano with options enough to take one to Mars ain't so much fun either. And now, according to the government I have no fingerprints.

Based on a true story.

The Aadhar Card. Supposedly the One card to rule them all. Which doesn't exactly translate well for us citizens.

Anyway, being the law-abiding,government-respecting(cough cough) citizen I am, I did go. Ration card and smudged college-ID in hand along with Dad and sister-dearest.

Step 1.Fill in form with personal details.
Step 2.Scan fingerprints.
Step 3.Retina scanning(and boy, do eyes look ugly when all blown up on a computer screen.)
Step 4. Check whether the clerk got all your details right and that you haven’t gone from being Lalit to Lolita and other assorted mistakes only Indian clerks make.
Step 5. Get a receipt and WAIT. Till the day the Great Indian Bureaucracy decides you deserve your Aadhar card.

See? Easy as pie…only, not for me. Nope.
Because yours truly fails the one step no normal human being would ever fail. The fingerprints.
No matter how hard I’d push down on that fingerprint scanner, all I’d see was ‘Data not enough’.You’d think a 95-kilo dad holding your hand down would be enough to pop the fingerprints out of a rock but no sirree.
And then the clerk girl asks us to come back after 25 days when my fingerprints grow back and to Vaseline-ise myself till then.

Methinks not.

Really woman?? You think what hasn't grown in 18 years is going to pop up in 25 days for fear of not getting an Aadhar card?? And yeah, Vaseline is my middle name(dry skin issues...don’t ask).Pooh Pooh to you.

But in all fairness blaming everything on the machine and the girl isn't very…fair. Not their fault…maybe the I'm-an-alien-princess theory does have something to it after all.

Bow all ye scum to Princess Zelda of Planet Xanadu in the 13th Galaxy!

Heck yeah.
But come on government, you could at least TRY to help us poor aliens attempting to adapt ourselves to your world...take some lessons from those Men in Black movies…a little alien embassy so we get more of our kind and a coupla hot agents to chase us. Watcha gonna lose??

Yours truly,
Disappointed alien princess…Still waiting for her Aadhar card.

And as you can see the summer hasn't been doing much for my sanity but it is good to be back and blogging and stalking all you good people of the Internet, barring the wicked pervies who spam my blog… I'm watching you.

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Welcome to the 1st Occasional Blog Awards!

It’s that time of the year when Love is (supposedly) in the air folks!
Although I don’t see any cute, naked, Greek babies floating anywhere in my vicinity and no part of my cerebrum has turned to gooey mush or anything, this year I do have something to be especially happy about and say I love you too.
I just got Liebstered!

And twice at that!

And this is what I'm supposedly supposed to do:
1.     Give 10 random facts about myself.
2.     Answer the questions given to me by my wonderful nominators.
3.     Nominate 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.
4.     Write 11 questions for them to answer.

The lovely Momina and The Unicorn Lady have both tagged me for my very first shiny badge....of bloggy honour and pride and shtuff.

That's for you girls!

And a leetle controversy too.
Blog awards are nice and all but just passing them on kinda makes them like some mass forward SMS...If you’re in the right circles you get one and if you’re not, I'm sorry...*sad no*...which doesn't seem very fair.
But as long as we take them not as indicators of skill or anything and just as a fun way to ask crazy questions and get away with it....and an excuse to delay a post!

First, the random facts:
  1. I successfully predicted the headlines for the day Michael Jackson died.
  2. I'm very obvious. And I tend to exaggerate.
  3. It's raining for the very first time this year as I type this!
  4. I palm-sweat. A lot.
  5. I read in the shower. Sometimes.
  6. Barf-fact: I saw a dead rat with its innards lying on the road today.
  7. If I could pick a celebrity to turn into it'd be Jennifer Lopez(when I'm on an I'm-FAAAT streak only).
  8. I can’t remember what I look like at times.
  9. I think I’ll make a terrible wife. Or employee.Or anyone who can be called a responsible adult really.
  10. I'm prone to unexplainable stupidity.

    Second, the Questions. Instead of the usual 11, I have 22 questions...noffair!

    Momina's set: 

    1. Who is the last person you usually think about before going to sleep?
    *Narcissistic smirk* That'd be myself. Saying sorry to God for all the dumb things I did that day. Or sometimes it's about whom I've been reading.

    2. Something you do alone, but wouldn't do in front of others.
    Dance. Like this:
    Oh yes.

    3. Do you have any strange phobias?
    Not especially. I hate touching garbage bins. No, not even to change the bag.

    4. One Favourite Novel that you'd like to recommend people to read and why.
    The hard one! It keeps changing.
    Currently, I'm all Gillian Flynn. And Jenny Lawson. Because they're brilliant.
    Oh yes, C.S. Lewis...all time favourite. And Roald Dahl too.

    5. Do you take the shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? :P
    Nope. I’d take the stationery though!;)

    6. Do you use Post-Its?
    Nope. I collect them! All in pretty,different-coloured bunches.

    7. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
    I'm in a contented-bubble right now, so I’d say where I am now. Otherwise it would be Bhutan. Or Africa. Or France.

    8. What inspires you?
    Walking. I just realised it, I get all my ideas when I'm walking someplace.
    And observing other people.

    9. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
    NEVER. I'm terrified of heights. I'm even scared of going on a kid-sized slide.

    Me at Water Kingdom!

    10. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
    Nope. I'm too busy observing the hippy guy across the road.

    11. Have you ever danced without music?
    I suppose I have waved my arms around remembering the strains of some song I remember.

    By The Unicorn Lady:

    1. If you could change your name, what would it be?
    Depends on whether I wanted to be a pirate or a Na'vi at that moment! But otherwise I like names that begin with a K or an A and have an L somewhere...stupid answer. Something like Keyla...or something. Naah.

    2. Name the one thing/person that you love above all things or people.


    3.What's the first thing that comes to your mind when I say 'love'?


    4. Your favourite band.
    Keeps changing. I like old stuff. Indian Ocean, Bombay Vikings, Blue are some I'm remembering now.

    5. Who's your superhero?

    This guy.He died trying.

    6. Do you consider yourself lucky or unlucky?
    Lucky. Though I don’t believe in luck being what gets people anywhere.

    7. Describe yourself in three lines.
     I'm too many things all at once. And sometimes I'm naught. Either way I live!

    8. Something/Someone that changed your life.
     Growing up!

    9. Describe the love of your life. Even if he/she doesn't exist.
    I really like this quote from the Three Musketeers:
    The best thing about an imaginary opponent is that he is highly skilled, yet easily defeated.
    Kinda like that.
    Who am I kidding. I'm a Princess...I want Prince Charming. With a Mallu sense of humour.
    On a second note, maybe I don't. Not a Prince Charming.

    10. Why do you stare into emptiness, when you do?
    Because I'm thinking. Or writing a post about whoever is sitting opposite me!

    12. What are you made for?
    To edify. Though I wish I adhered to it more.

    The people I'm tagging:
    I've tried to do this nicely and it was difficult. Really difficult. I'd have liked to pick everyone in my reading list and I've tried picking those people who don't seem to have a Liebster as yet and whose blogs I immensely love!

    BrownGirlBloggin - ROFL ROFL crazy. Where being brown isn't a bad thing!
    DWei - Calls himself a Derp. So derpiness is a good thing!
    Ghadeer - Original.Crazy.Writer.Love!
    Ginger - Journalistic.Tongue-in-cheek funny. She reminds me why I love the Irish so!
    icyHighs - A vast vocabulary if well-used(with a shot of that sly humour) can lead to absolute infatuation with his blog! That's what I learnt. And he just released a book. About time I'd say.
    Laila N Mysis - She's got the fun-nest family I've seen on a blog. And I love how she thinks. And writes!
    Stutee - Repeat from before. Bold. Badass. Bindass!
    Tangled Tofu - I'm going to see her on my bookshelf  one day. I know.:)
    TayTay - Sensational.And she lives in South Africa. What more do ya need?!
    The Narcissist Narcissism is definitely good when it's this funny!
    Zeba - How could I not?! Her writing is something I'd back-up if there were an Internet apocalypse.

    Answer me!
    I think some of you don't do the whole blog-awards thingamajig. If so, you're allowed to answer in the comments.
    1. Sweatpants or jeans?
    2. Your reaction when you get caught in the rain without an umbrella.
    3. The phone's ringing, someone just rang the doorbell, the baby is crying and the tap is overflowing. In which order would you tackle these?
    4. Something you absolutely cannot bear and something you love in a person.
    5. Coolest job ever according to you?
    6. One thing on your bucket list.
    7. Pirates or ninjas? Why?
    8. Current ear-worm or stuck-in-my-head song.
    9. How many kids(if any) do you want to have?
    10. Is Pluto a planet according to you?
    11. What would you rather be doing now?

    Yeah and before I forget, Happy Valentine's Day to all of you celebrating it and if you're not… 

    That's for you Mark!
    Keep smiling!:)

    P.S. I just realised I haven't done anything about the badge that all of you I tagged are to get.
    Thing is: I don't know.
    Experienced bloggers...HALP!!!
    I don't plan to hang my award anywhere on my blog but for those of you who are, go select one from here. Have fun.
    And DISCLAIMER: All credit to Google.
    Yeah Google, I've linked you right there.No lawsuits kay.
    Thursday, 31 January 2013

    I am a Child of Piracy**

    Note:  This post might have nothing to do with the title.So if you're here looking for arguments to use against software pirates or something,you're at the wrong place mate!
    And this post has a lot of unnecessary rambling which I was too proud of to edit but you’re free to skip paragraphs any time you feel like it’s getting boring and you won’t be missing anything. But I'll love you if you do manage to read the whole thing...*insert cute smile* or at least my best impression of cute...which ain’t very cute actually!
    On with it!

    I've run out of ideas.
    The problem is nothing, I repeat, nothing I come up with is original, and every single thing is copied inspired by something or someone else.
    I'm tired of constantly waking up and rooting through thoughts, words, actions, newspapers, books, movies, YouTube videos and everything under the sun for something I can talk about.
    I surprise myself at times.
    I have these weird slow motion visions in my head a lot these days.
    I’ll be doing something, and all of a sudden, everything slows down and becomes ultra minute and clear and I’ll have writery phrases pop into my head to describe those...
    For example:
    Walking home after college:
    Looking at a girl with a pretty looking tan on her face...sun kissed.
    Which makes me...sun f**ked.

    Me...normally.Now you also stare...stare...stare.

    I have a thing for beautiful people.
    I’ll sometimes see this pretty person on a road or bus or train and I want to go up to them, tap their shoulder and tell them, “You know you’re gorgeous right?!” and in my head write a post describing them using Victorian phrases.

    While making an omelette:
    Eggs are the most forgiving things on earth because however badly you splatter them while pouring; they’ll always heal while cooking.
    Didn't someone say there’s a lesson to be learnt in everything?

    Heck even when I'm reading something for crying out loud:
    I begin reading. Each word on the screen clamouring for my attention. Begin from the beginning. Milking each sentence for all it is worth.
    I've never read this carefully before...sifting every sentence for layers or hidden meanings. Funny because I've never been a carefully-read kinda person.

    You know you've hit rock bottom when you contemplate writing a blog-post on why you love the word ‘f**k’.
    No kidding. This is how far I got:
    Four letters. One syllable. This word has captured the imagination of everyone...and I love it.
    I love the relief that comes with just yelling f**k...unparalleled. Except by maybe a few other cuss words. But I prefer this one. It’s pretty clear and unambiguous. And mostly everyone understands it.

    This can be irritating. Since every single time I have to quickly run and grab something to record this on or I lose the train of thought.
    Or it could possibly be what is called 'Getting an Idea'.
    Yeah, I know. Certified crazy I am.

    Back to why I can’t think of anything to write.
    Keeping with the ‘ I'm a copycat pirate’ title here’s an extract from Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.
    She is the kind of author who would capture your imagination and keep it in a tin box next to her bed and you’d only be glad for that... didn't stretch that too far did I?

    She shakes up a lot. I didn't know WHAT to think after reading this book. 

    For several years, I had been bored. Not a whining, restless child’s boredom (although I was not above that) but a dense, blanketing malaise. It seemed to me that there was nothing new to be discovered ever again. Our society was utterly, ruinously derivative (although the word derivative as a criticism is itself derivative). We were the first human beings who would never see anything for the first time. We stare at the wonders of the world, dull-eyed, underwhelmed. Mona Lisa, the Pyramids, the Empire State Building. Jungle animals on attack, ancient icebergs collapsing, volcanoes erupting. I can’t recall a single amazing thing I have seen first-hand that I didn't immediately reference to a movie or TV show. A fucking commercial. You know the awful singsong of the blasé: Seeeen it. I've literally seen it all, and the worst thing, the thing that makes me want to blow my brains out, is: The second-hand experience is always better. The image is crisper, the view is keener, the camera angle and the soundtrack manipulate my emotions in a way reality can’t any more  I don’t know that we are actually human at this point, those of us who are like most of us, who grew up with TV and movies and now the Internet. If we are betrayed, we know the words to say; when a loved one dies, we know the words to say. If we want to play the stud or the smart-ass or the fool, we know the words to say. We are all working from the same dog-eared script.
    It’s a very difficult era in which to be a person, just a real, actual person, instead of a collection of personality traits selected from an endless automat of characters.
    And if all of us are play-acting, there can be no such thing as a soul mate, because we don’t have genuine souls.
    It had gotten to the point where it seemed like nothing matters, because I'm not a real person and neither is anyone else.
    I would have done anything to feel real again.

    And the song I'm humming these days:
    If you’re YouTube maniacs like I am, you might be familiar with the viral video called Numa Numa, this is the live version by O Zone(Yeah,they're a boy-band.What better way to get into the One Direction spirit of things!). And the language is Romanian, you’ll want to know after watching it.

    P.S. And I know what you’re thinking right now...

    That, dear reader, is what happens when my brain goes into overdrive...I start thinking too much and too little all at once.
    And why did I subject you to that?
    Well...I have no answer. Other than the oft-quoted Writer’s block...but hopefully you’ll be back next time for more craziness and not file a lawsuit against me...trust me to exaggerate.
    Oh well!
    Have a fantastic February! :)
    Also today’s the two month birthday of my blog!
    Let's Partayy!

    **And the title's pirated too.From here!
    See,I'm the piratingest pirate that ever lived...as long as my pirate is Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom!:)
    And I did get the results from those exams I mentioned somewhere before and let me just say the marks make me want to start a protest march against the board's correction system!

    Saturday, 26 January 2013

    One Republic To Go (NO BANANA PLEASE)

    *clears throat*
    Today,Ladies and Gentlemen,is the 64th Republic Day of India...the day when the constitution of India came into force.And yes,we celebrate that.
    And in honour of this wonderful day...blah,who am I kidding?!
    *back to gangsta*
    Yo peepulz,I have this awesome guest-post by Stutee Nag of Stu(art) who wrote me this phatang(roughly means bombshell) post.
    Okay,Introduction time,This chick ain't taking no mess from anyone.She's honest.And bold.And crazy....and my long-lost twin(seriously,you wouldn't believe the number of times I've sat gaping at her blog with what appear to be my thoughts written on it!)
    And one of my earliest bloggy friends.And you need to go check her...ahem,her blog, out.
    So without further ado,Presenting...

    India is my beloved country and All Indians are my brothers and sisters I used to pledge in school and then promptly add except for one under my breath, only to laugh later for a good ten seconds at the funniest joke known to me at that time.
    It was real fun - Pledging that way!
    But hey, hold your horses. Before you get all judgemental about me, let me clear the air. That was then, I have grown up now and I kid you not, I love India. I might not pledge it every day but hell yeah, I am one proud Indian. And just like you, I associate myself with everything that India feels great about or ahem (gulp- gulp) vice versa (Gang rapes, never ending corruption, Honour Killings etc etc  to name a few.)
    2012 ended in a sombre unison. Finally India reflected on its ways and learnt a lesson or two, the hard way of course. They said the world was going to end in 2012 and I was like, yeah right- because God is just that kind. But we did hit a virtual end  didn't we? The lowest of lows were reached and that too khullam khulla.
    Okay- enough- I know a lot has been said, written and heard in that regard and since no cribbing happens to be my resolution for the year 2013, so let me just skip past to something happy.
    Lets think happy- Ummmmm....ummmm.....
    Rahul Gandhi  Tada!
    (Because whats happier than the happy ending of the tale of the dynastic prince of the worlds largest democracy ;-) Ironically, this may be the saddest thing I have heard since the unfortunate gang rape episode. Oh no, dont get me wrong - I am not criticizing Rahul Gandhi. Poor chap, he has already earned more flak than Poonam Pandey.
    (It is the idea of him that I am criticizing. The idea of someone being crowned the virtual king of the ruling party- even though all he had in the name of credentials  was the GANDHI DNA) He may be a wonderful person (no denying- charming, that he is) - all I am against is this eyewash that us Indians are subjected to in the name of big words like democracy, republic, aam aadmi etc etc.
    My point is, call India the princely state of Rahul Gandhi and we are good to go- why the Constitution? Why the Rule of law? Why the whole Dog and Pony show? Those of us studying law will pass the course just like that.
    This is how our judiciary exams question paper should look like:
    Q.1  - Who is the King of India?
    Ans.1  - Rahul Gandhi
    Bam! 100/100  theres your degree, young man. Go serve the nation now. (Read: Kingdom) Long live the king. Hail Rahul!
    Its a good Idea. Innit? I mean, why slug our asses for all those years  learning the constitution of India (which is by the way the lengthiest in the world)- when a one word answer can get all our problems solved  When, no matter what, everything boils down to the shitty ground reality.The truth of the Modern day Raj.
    So what? Let them turn the Gandhis into the present day Royalty of India  hell, if they want they can build Maharaja Rahul his own Taj Mahal  I couldn't care less. Let the elections come and I will not vote for the mamma's boy and then the joke will be on them, I console myself.
    I will vote for Narinder Modi instead.
    Oh Dear Lord  is this what it feels like to be caught between a rock and a hard place.
    Should I get back to Rahul only?
    Shit, am I cribbing again?
    Hey, wait a second.... I think, I am losing it  I may be going crazy here- there is darkness all around me- i am seeing black dots- is this a condition or a symptom? Black dots every where.. BIG BLACK DOTS- and I am getting claustrophobic too.. No, no, wait- where are you going- dont leave me alone...
    We the people, India shining, sovereign, socialist, secular, democratic, republic, Incredible India, Om Prakash Chautala! Khap panchayat! Dented and Painted women! Damad ji! Didi ji! Behen ji! Mayawati! Italian girlfriend! MULAYAM SINGH YADAV! Suresh Kalmadi! Aye Raja! Terrorism! Corruption! Rapes! Gang Rapes ! Imam Sidqqui! Nitin Gadkari! That self proclaimed God man! Cwg! Cvc! Adarsh society! Coalgate!
    Woof- woof! Grrr.... growl.... errr.............. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
    Oh fuck it! Who am I kidding? I have lost it already.

    I am bananas over my republic.

    Hey,  Happy Republic Day, by the way!