Rejected, Raging and a Review

Feeling dejected now...I can’t go for Teach India this year (the first time I applied) because my final exams will be going on and I’ll have to miss two days of training. Vacation plans spoilt. No certificate, no teaching, just more wasted time. I do have my blog though, my only consolation...my shining beacon of hope in an otherwise bleak day. The first thing I do on my computer is check my statistics.Sigh... how easily satisfied I am these days. All it takes is a little statistic and my day is done. A large part of my happiness these days comes from my page views graph...the higher the graph, the wider my smile. Trivial, childish me.

I just noticed, I've kinda developed a double chin...a stupid bit of fat hanging behind my otherwise sharp chin...I hate it. I've declared a fast to thinness until it disappears. Exercising is so bloody painful. It works, yes. Fifty crunches and I have an almost flat tummy (until I eat again at least). I'm scared of eating and then puking...I’d like to do that but I've read enough about Anorexia and Bulimia not to try extreme stuff.

And then the computer...

Obnoxious little brother won’t get up...he’s developed a penchant for bribing.

“Want me to get up? Put my favourite music on” (which means I have to listen to Akon's sexual exploits until I'm ready to kill the guy) or

“Want me to get up? You lose your time”, bloody brothers, I hate him at times like these, sister dear is easier to handle...put on a movie and she’s happy.

Bro makes me grovel and beg...which hurts my ego like anything and not only that, he'll squeeze every last drop of begging out of you till you're ready to go bury yourself and then get up with a lot of grumbling and groaning while extracting promises from you to get up soon. Horridly exasperating.

I've almost killed him one or two times in the past for doing that (with equally horrid repercussions). I'm better at controlling my temper now...losing my temper has many downsides compared to controlling it. Controlling it makes the beast inside me cringe painfully for some minutes after I let go, making me cry sometimes, telling me I'm a sissy without a spine but losing it is worse, the physical pain, emotions running so high, broken furniture and bones and a dressing down from daddy.

Whereas after controlling my temper I can pat my back, reward myself and tell me what a good God's child I've become.

So, I'm not a very happy girl now. And reading Black Swan Green isn't making me feel any better...for lack of stuff to say here’s a review of what I've read until now.

I learnt about this book from Flavorwire’s Books To Replace Catcher in the Rye as the Perfect Teen Book, as Catcher has now become the cool book for cool high school teachers, not cool teenagers!

Anyway, the book is the story of Jason Taylor...stammerer (not stutterer, both are as different as diarrhoea and constipation!), teen (didn't catch how old, but old enough), poet and mid-range in school status hierarchy. There are many characters coming in throughout, Dean 'Moron' Moran - best friend, lowest level in school status hierarchy, Dawn Madden – boyish, inscrutable crush and a host of others, plus a four-member family: pa, ma, irritable elder sister and Jason.

It’s raw, honest and a reference dictionary for substitutes to f*** (which I think everyone really needs). The f-word is so overused...show some creativity people!

I felt it similar to The Casual Vacancy (Rowling’s latest (adult) novel) but not as boring (not at all. Whereas Vacancy should be read only if you really really want to know what are Rowling’s capabilities in adult fiction and you have two days to waste if you can finish it that fast).

So it’s a good read.

Ma has just put the radio on. Bheege hont tere is on, somebody please kill me...did someone hijack and obliterate Radio Mirchi's song database that the RJ didn't have anything else? Gawsh, I'm tuning out. Cya when I feel better. Bye.

  

P.S. My thoughts after re-reading this later: I sound like a total brother-hater. Do not misunderstand. I love the little angel (Though I would like to say varmint!)...It's just that he gets on my nerves sometimes.

And that sounded totally Hollywood. Why did I publish it then??Two words...Bone Lazy and incessantly proud of anything I write, even if its crap (a. k. a. Writer’s Disorder!)

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

I remember this comic strip in Archie where Archie is shown through the eyes of his family and friends: he’s a baby for his mom, a Casanova in his dad’s eyes, knight-in-shining-armour for Betty, melted puddle to Veronica, himself (with a Jughead-ish nose) to Jughead and most importantly, after all this, he says only he himself sees himself as he is....a beefy hunk!

Har har.

Jok (ey) ing apart (hee hee), I actually feel empathy for Archie after the bathroom incident and Bub's comment ('Look I've got sweat stains just like you'. Wounded. Pride.).

When I look into a mirror (and I feel s**y), I see this buxom lass with a nut-brown face and creamy body...all smooth. The tummy, thighs, and upper arms (all the problem areas) could do with a little shaping. Otherwise, I'm physically fine to myself.

But if I'm in the throes of self-hatred, then God help. All my ranting about why I hate myself begin...my fat tummy, thighs and things, my excess melanin, pimples, moles, hair, sweatiness...never ending(that’s when I envy these actresses).

I just love this phrase: Arms akimbo

Use in sentence: Mako stood under the coconut tree arms akimbo to catch the ripe coconut that was going to fall any minute on his landlord’s head to try to get off from paying that month's lease for saving his landlord’s life. This continued until his landlord noticed him standing in a 'saviour of the world' pose and caught him!

(I'm a literature major now! Emotionally Weird has been helpful in this matter showing me the dark underbelly of the world of literature and philosophy majors as opposed to the normal perceptions of their colleges being liberal and easy going. As for the book, it’s good, detailed and occasionally funny too and somewhat comic throughout. My only gripe is that it’s too stretched out; I wouldn't have been able to read the whole book a few years ago (even now I'm taking it in small doses).

But this is not what I wanted to say, I wanted to tell you about the strange case of the girl who play-acts before the bathroom mirror!

Does that sound funny enough? Or should I modify it??

Forget it. Yes, so Yanni’s Aria was on that day when I was in the bathroom and it’s the best possible music to pretend you’re a Roman princess to, I tell you!

You should have seen me...eyebrow stylishly (and saucily) cocked, entreating my cruel father king Herod to release the foreign prisoners. My grief when he disagreed, my indignation at being refused and my pity for the imprisoned...

Then I boldly disguising myself to fight the king...and the hot foreign prisoner catching me escaping and then we spar with words and flirty expressions...

I got there and had to stop to have bath.

Think that funny? There are so many more....I once had Edward of Twilight fall in love with me...I mean Robert Pattinson(the guy looks good though I refuse to recognize the caricature they ,made of him(and everybody else) in that terrible excuse of a movie called Twilight)...the person not the vampire...even that play-act had a lot of I'm-flirting-with-you expressions and wordplay (mostly on the guy's part...in my stories, I'm the hot and elegant ice-princess with the cheeky replies and nose in the air whom guys still want to date (Yep...what I'm so not in real life!!Stories ARE the antithesis of real life!))

But isn't it a scary and comforting thought at the same time that, whom we see in the mirror isn't how we actually look on the outside but who we want to be on the inside?

So all the times I've been happy about how I look were just delusions and all the times I was sad about it was just more illusion...anybody else feel cheated?

I've been spending these exam days exercising, Yanni-ing (glorious!) and having epiphanies (don’t you just love that word!).All nice, but not very productive...

Funny, I found a makeshift mirror on the terrace today...had a good long look at me. Didn't like what I saw, I've lost any hint of s**y hips I had, and my butt is LOW.

I am an unsatisfied girl.

Got to go!

Review: I sound totally self-obsessed and superficial here...have to set another tone for future blogs. 

 And if anybody thought the less of me for endorsing Twilight(I'm talking about my adult, Twilight-is-trash readers here. If there are any Twilight lovers reading this, I mean no offence to you whatsoever because I was one among you too!) , rest your thudding hearts darlings, I'm so out of that phase and into the brand-new grown stage of adult-novel reading but I might have minor relapses when I want my stories to go faster and generally have a bit of good old fashioned laughter!

That rhymed…

But it’s a nice topic for a blog!

Regrets & Ravings

Things I regret:

1.    Not having learnt music when I was younger.

2.    Not having used sunscreen and picking scabs (that have now become horrible stains which won’t go way...Keep this in mind all you girls reading this!) in my childhood.

3.    Having become too close with Roy (that was once upon a time but still). It wouldn’t be wrong if you thought that I regret this because I lost my ice-princess fame because of Roy or else I’d still have been the great, different, separated, on-a-different-plane girl I was then!

4.    Getting that ATKT in my second year

5.    All the times I didn't behave well, did wrong just for the heck of it, and made way for the devil to blacken my already horrible heavenly track record.

6.    All my sins.

7.    Not having been more athletic when I was younger.

I really wish I had gone for ballet or horse riding or something, dammit...I feel now that I have wasted a whole 18 years of a life learning nothing except how to understand story plots.

I didn't even write seriously, something I have potential in.

It seems like I spent the most impressionable of my life doing nothing but see and hear...and read...what a waste.

I seem to spend a lot of time wishing I had done things these days.

Maybe I have a chronic jealousy disease or something, but whenever I fall in love with somebody's talent (sometimes even them in the bargain!) I start envying them and cursing me and badmouthing them in the end (case of sour grapes).

Reading Yanni's biography can make anybody jealous though, he had everything I wish I had...A Beautiful talent(which he took pains to develop),a hunky physique and one of the most emulation-worthy set of parents I’ve known, and one of the world’s most beautiful places to call home, Greece.

If that won’t make you jealous, what will?

But then, in the end, even he’s a person, a single soul among a billion others, and doesn’t believe in God so he’s pushed away the one support system he could have had...

But he says he’s got an intimate relation with God, more personal than anything else so he is suspicious of anyone telling him about saving his soul(which is exactly what we preach...a personal relationship with God, but I guess people might have made it sound ritualistic to him. Don’t laugh, it’s possible).

Whatever the situation might be, he’s one person I want to see in heaven (not only because of his music (though it’s glorious), because I like the person he is).

Gosh, I definitely am mad, talking about a world-renowned artist who is old now, (and hot! Yep, even I dint know I could fall for old men!), as though he’s the person next-door!

Anyway, you really should read the book, it’s wonderful...the life story of a wonderful musician and a good book as well.

So I guess I'll wind this up here with this perfectly fitting quote I found in One Day at a Time by William MacDonald:

Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are, ‘It might have been'.

- Bret Hart

Isn't it nice?!

It might seem like an antithesis to my blog, calling it sad.

But then, only when you take stock of your past and understand what you would like to change, will you be able to build a wonderful future!

Ciao then!

Your loving,

Lost in grandiose musical dreams Blogger! 

Things I Can't Do (Now!)

Ok, I've been wanting to right this for sometime but whenever this idea popped into my head, it would diverge into other self-deprecatory thought-streams, but I managed to hold on this time and here we are!

(The list is kind of short now, I'll add things as I go on in life!)

1.    Tie a plait or a braid or a pigtail.(All mean the same thing!)

2.    Cook(Not even make tea. I mean I know how to theoretically but not practically so basically, I can't cook!).

3.    Drive a scooty, or car or any motorized vehicle actually. I get scared about the vehicle running away. And it's not that I've not tried. I did. Didn't work. Story in my diary.

4.    Stay on a diet and exercise regime. I have terrible willpower.

5.    Whistle…Gosh, foo foo is all that comes out.

6.    Enjoy in a water park(or any park. or party. or anywhere where humans tend to congregate and dance and let their hair down. Inherent Indian Introvert-ness (I coined that!)). I have a drowning phobia though I still manage pretty well by bobbing up and down throughout the length of the pool but throwing myself down a water slide(or any slide for that matter),NO WAY.

7.    Dance. I have two left feet and left hands too probably. I have like a jangly giraffe when I have to dance, feeling ungraceful and envious of other gracefully dancing humans on the floor eats me up inside and freeze my already frozen feet.

8.    Sing, in tune at least. I would have been good, were it not for my self-esteem(and financial) issues which stopped me at a young age.

9.    Study sincerely...at least in my studies during term time. During exams, my posterior (The antonym is anterior!) heats up enough to worry me and I study!(There, you have the secret of my success!)

P.S. Diphthong is the best word in the English language currently!

Emotional Atyachar

The title was borrowed off a colloquial(Nice word!) phrase which was turned into a song in Dev D, Not very meaningful but if the cap fits why take it off?!

This idea had occurred to me before so it was just a matter of making hay while the sun shined, so from the throes of a saddened heart (You’ll see why) comes the following:

1.     Pure Elation:

I’m not in throes of Extreme Happiness now but this is just a note. This emotion is expected tomorrow but not very excited about (I should be, it is my birthday!).Anyway, this emotion is totally one of the most elusive and sought after (Through clothes, Facebook, hoarding, thievery, whatever) like Felix Felicis (The potion in Harry Potter!)

But there is nothing like it once you have it. You feel lighter and younger and your tummy and heart give excited little squeezes in between.

If it is of the stronger variety, you feel you’re walking on air...

Yes, people in love experience all these symptoms and the effects continue as long as the subject is in the company of the object of love. It is known to fade in most cases after a certain length of time called the 'honeymoon period' but in extremely rare cases it remains as long as the couple is together. Recommended to be experienced at least once in a lifetime.

This emotion is experienced in various other situations too but for a shorter duration and with less dramatic symptoms but the joy remains the same nevertheless!

2.    Medium Happiness:

Could sometimes be called Fake Happiness(The symptoms can be replicated easily hence comes in handy when you want to fake it like when you're jealous!)

This emotion causes one to smile (Ranging from a 32-tooth display (If you’re a clown) or polite little lip-curving in between), sometimes jump around a bit and its effects last for short periods of around a minute to a day (That is, for yourself. If you are happy for another person or thing, the period every time you meet that person or see that object).

So, this happiness can be sometimes called a Residual Shared Happiness because it usually is when you’re sharing or being a part of someone else's pure elation (Sometimes sharing it can make you super happy too).

3.     Ashamed Happiness:

Is seen especially when you have to share in someone’s extreme grief out of duty when you're happy (More on sharing grief below).

Or you’re happy at someone’s misfortune (Which is a very bad thing to do, but might happen unavoidably; like when you and your friend both wanted the first rank in class).The proper reaction would be to comfort the other person and never rub your own happiness in their faces (Happens a lot, I know...make them read this!)

Symptoms would be a smile threatening to plaster itself over your face and you controlling your urge, turning it into a grimace (Ideally you should use your handkerchief) or this constant fluttering in your tummy while you shake your head sorrowfully or comfort the other person.

Experience: Hasn't happened much something I remember at the moment would be when I scored the highest at school, people would be jostling me jovially and I’d be explaining lessons to someone who failed so it would be uncomfortable (Not) to react, I’d be happy inside and quickly suppressing my success not to sadden the unfortunate girl (Needless to say my besties always caught me!)

4.     Extreme Sadness:

Your heart starts throbbing painfully and feels so sad that you feel you’ll just shrivel up and die and sometimes wish you could. Meanwhile your eyes start streaming and get all puffy...

Reason: For trying to be funny and laugh at daddy’s posh English...needless to say, it backfired. And here I am a sorry soggy faced lumpy girl on the eve of her eighteenth birthday.

P.S. In Retrospect: I needn't have over-reacted.

5.    Selfish Teary Sadness:

You know you've received more than you deserve and hoped for and your parents can afford yet this sick germ of self pity in you makes you so sad for yourself and you cry, you don’t want to but you do and this germ makes you so teary that people end up seeing you all weepy and then you tell them in this crying voice why. Gosh...nothing's worse and embarrassing....I mean who wants to admit they’re crying because they didn't get baby pink shoes instead of bright pink ones?

Reason: I got two pairs of jeans today. More than I hoped for, but they’re not branded...so silly me started crying about how cheap poor me has become...no good dresses when everyone has nice things and all.

I mean, I know daddy cannot afford it...my fees aren’t paid yet...still...stupid me.

P.S. This type of reaction is not expected from those rich-daddies’ precious daughters(No offense meant whatsoever)who have the full right to shed precious saline H20 over their eagerly awaited Gucci’s turning out to be cream instead of ecru!

6.    Medium Sadness:

Similar to Medium Happiness, seen when you share in someone else's grief...effects range in the same limits as before:

Short or up to a day or every time you meet that person or see that object reminding you of it.

Medium Sadness should never be twisted and turned to resemble extreme grief because the person's actions will reek of falseness and is tasteless...Show what you actually feel in cases where this kind of grief is seen in public and help the person in pain(Physical or Mental).They need it.

Reason : I have undergone this type of emotion often but a memorable event would have been Len's mom's funeral...I'm not sure if even saying this is in very good taste, Anyway, I was very saddened about aunty going away definitely but another person’s true grief doesn't spread to you much though the aura of grief does. I'm not saying aunty going away didn't make a difference to me and I don’t care but I couldn't cry and beat my chest, there simply wasn't enough sadness for that(And we don’t have to display all that grief in public unlike some other communities anyway) so I tried my best to help Len come out of it and on that day tried to share in the family’s sorrow and help as much as I could.

7.    Little Sadness and Little Joy:

Interchangeable, because, in my case, I'm incapable of these unless I'm in a bored, listless and melancholic mood(which is often enough).Happens when you have a very small ,possibly negligible happiness (Any good happening to you should not be taken for granted of course however small it is, Count your blessings!) or sadness. You don’t take it very much to heart or anything, just acknowledge them, sometimes say a word of thanks for it and you’re out of the emotional cycle.

In case of small sadness, They could be triggered by very small happenings common to everybody like not getting the paper on time, This emotion is not very great on its own but leaves a bad aura in the mind like a sudden smell of shit in an otherwise normal train journey (Think Dharavi!) which can prove to be a trigger for more obsessing over sadness and lead to something bigger....

Ok...since all the biggest parts are out of the way...it is time for a little question.

If all these emotions happen only on certain triggers, which emotion do we experience  most of the time normally?

Answer: I would say that these triggers are happening constantly causing small injections of either a positive or negative emotion, which builds up toward a final state of mind, which leads to a certain output, or reaction, which ascertain the individual’s emotional state for a longer period.

Not all the above might seem to make sense but it has not been copied out of some large, dusty psychology tome I assure you. It is all straight from my heart (and brain!).

Another issue with the article might be that the range of emotions mentioned is tiny compared with what you might get if you Googled 'list-of-emotions’. What I have discussed here is the extreme positive (Happiness) and the extreme negative (Sadness).Every emotion connects to one of these; Yes even anger, which, if you think about it, is a manifestation of sadness, no person is going to get angry if he’s happy...so be careful you don’t ruffle anybody’s feathers or emotions and you’re guaranteed a beautifully happy life!

A Brief History of Me

(Though it’s not exactly history, it’s my geography , chemistry(Giggle!) and my physics rolled into one (Not very girly am I??!).What to say, the title looked good & felt good so here goes...)

(Btw thank you Stephen Hawking for letting me borrow your book-title though I'm not a fan of your work)

Onward...

I had to find a cool new original way of introducing myself after all the talented people out there have dhapofied (That’s Hindi for filched...I know it’s not the best word, but make do) all the coolest ways I could think of....

This is what popped into my mind...

So here we go....

I don’t have a s**y stomach nor do I have a kick-ass butt (Pun intended),

And when I sleep I'm no elegant queen; I drool, and blabber and roll all over the bed

I'm guilty of wearing crotch-torn leggings to camps and meetings;

I'm guilty too sometimes of burping and farting aloud (Though of course I try to hide these things)

My legs and arms are un-waxed and stained. Pure and pristine in their God-given naturalness!

And some days (Very rarely for good girlness’s sake!), I’m a lazy pig and prefer staying unwashed and become a stinking, sweaty mess.

You might think I’m disgusting already but there’s more, I’m sad to say,

All this was on my exterior, But wait and see how I am after I introspect, my dear...

I’m guilty of being a hypocrite and narcissistic girl,

And a person who's sometimes insensitive and many times in a whirl.

I’m a terrible sister to my siblings; I feel they’d be better off without me

I can’t even make tea and once dropped a baby, honestly. I’m worried about the mother I’ll be...

I spend it when I have it so sometimes I have to beg for a penny.

And I have an awful laugh when I think that something is funny

I'm selfish, sometimes uncompassionate and always thinking of ME,

But...in spite of all these shortcomings I am good in some ways as you’ll see...

Umm...let’s see now...oh yes!

I genuinely love people and am not afraid to show it (Except when daddy's around and guys are the concerned people !)

 I'm kind and helpful most of the time,

And help mamma anyway I can (When I feel like it) Even if it’s only squeezing a lime!

That was a horrible rhyming ploy but I must go on...

I'm innocent (O.k., that was sometime before!!) and understanding and will pay attention carefully to whatever you say,

So that makes me a good listener and I’ll try to fulfil a request come what may.

I'm not miserly and don’t worry about how I spend my money,

And if someone forgot something, I'm quick to forgive and say, "It's ok, there’s always next time, honey…"

 I'm smart but I don’t show off (Sometimes but I do try to be modest about it!)

And my patience is so great I’ll listen to people even if it’s a lot of s**t!

And above all, I'm willing to improve myself,

 I'm not some pompous self- satisfied elf.

All my awful shortcomings I've laid bare here,

Hoping that I’ll improve myself after repenting in the future near!

So that’s what I'm hoping to accomplish with this blog,

And in spite of the crazy rhyming fetish and things, I'm hoping you’ll stay with me and not think me a terrible slob... :-)

Hope you liked it.And do let me know if you did!

N.B. Those of you wandering how this entry was written on 24/9/2012 when I started this blog on 30/10/2012;
I actually 'wrote' this entry on the previous date so decided to maintain the originality...that's all!
Adieu!